


I still dream of you

by Ilrona



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: At least my previous Finnrey fic was a happy future fic, Bittersweet Ending, F/M, Force-Sensitive Finn, Future Fic, Grief/Mourning, I'm so sorry, It ends with a little hope at least, Jedi Finn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 20:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7330327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilrona/pseuds/Ilrona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years after the final defeat of the First Order and Rey’s death, Jedi Master Finn is doing all he can to teach the new generation of Force-sensitive children while still mourning Rey.</p><p>Then Rey’s Force ghost comes back to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I still dream of you

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the lyrics of ‘Dear Fellow Traveler' by Sea Wolf.

As much joy as the children are, Finn feels constantly weary and worried. Everyone tells him he’s doing a wonderful job, and he knows he is, but he’s still terrified of one day having to deal with everything suddenly ruined, gone, over. All his hard work for nothing, all his worst fears realized.

Poe tries to help, of course he does, but there’s only so much someone with no Force-sensitivity can do when it comes to teaching Jedi children and he’s so busy as well. When he visits the school he brings fruits and sweets and canned runyip meat from Yavin 4 and sings songs with the kids, who all stare at him with adoring eyes. He also tells Finn at the end of every visit to come with him, at least for a few weeks, to experience the wonders of Yavin 4 in person. The holopics cannot show the scent of the jungle at nightfall or the sweet winds rushing through the leaves to grab at their clothes.

Finn wants to go. He wants to visit Yavin 4, curious about the beautiful planet. And he wants to take the heavy, suffocating mantle of being the Jedi Master of this new, uncertain, rebuilding era off at least for a very little while, but he’s afraid he will come back and find his students all either turned to the Dark or slaughtered.

At night, when he can sense that all the kids are asleep and at peace, he sits on the windowsill and looks up at the stars, which seem so small from here. He thinks about TIE fighters and Star Destroyers, about the empty void of the Hosnian System and the Finalizer finally blowing up. He thinks about being fourteen and scrubbing his own vomit off the floor of the training simulation room.

He thinks about Rey standing in the mouth of Luke Skywalker’s shuttle, her eyes afraid and determined. Kissing him so slow and then hard, kissing him like she wanted to devour him and keep him for herself. Then the next moment her mouth turned tentative and careful, like she was worried that another lick of his tongue at her lips would break her heart clean in two. There were tears, too. Finn doesn’t remember beginning to cry, but he does remember their kisses suddenly tasting of wet hot salt. Maybe Rey was the one crying, but it was more likely both of them.

Then she nuzzled his nose one last time and then she was gone, and then, a few days later, she was the tragic hero of the Light, a martyr of the Resistance, the one whose heroic sacrifice (the stuff of legends for millennia to come) ensured the defeat of the vile Supreme Leader of the First Order.

Finn felt her die with the Force. It was the greatest pain he has ever felt. For a moment he was certain he’s going to die as well, it hurt so damn much.

He doesn’t know what she felt when she died. She was too far away for Finn to be able to sense any of her thoughts or feelings.

He thinks about Rey’s death a lot.

Was she afraid? Was she sad to die? Yes, of course, what ridiculous questions. She was young, her life just beginning to bloom, of course she did not want to die so soon. Did it hurt? Did she suffer for long? Hopefully not. Did she become a Force ghost after her death? If yes, why is she not with Finn now, here, watching over him, talking to him even if they could not touch each other ever again?

Sometimes he thinks she’s not dead. That maybe he only imagined that horrible pain, a part of his soul ripped out of him. Maybe she did die for a moment, but then somehow she came back. He thought all those years ago, after all, that Poe Dameron was devoured by the sand of Jakku, and he’s still alive.

Maybe Rey is still alive, too. Somehow.

But then why is she not here, with Finn? Why won’t she come back? She must know that the galaxy considers her to be a celebrated and adored hero, that she's venerated just as much as Finn is. And she must know that Finn would be so very happy to see her again.

* * *

“I want my lightsaber, Master Finn!” Alis cries with a mouth full of biscuits. Finn watches the shower of crumbs falling onto her lap with tired resignation. “How come Zola can have one? She’s not that much older than I am!”

“She can’t have a lightsaber yet either,” Finn says, frowning at Zola. Zola stares back at him with a haughty expression, though her lekku twitch in a way Finn has learned means that she’s feeling guilty about lying. “Making a lightsaber is a long and difficult process. You must wait just a little more. One of the great virtues of the Jedi is patience.”

“Is it true that Ilum was turned into that superweapon? The one that destroyed Hosnian Prime and the other planets in that system?” Gavyn wonders, looking at Finn with his big, curious eyes. “And that’s why it’s so hard to find kyber crystals nowadays?”

What the fuck, Finn thinks.

“Who told you that?”

“Breha!” Gavyn points at the girl sitting near Zola with a hairdo resembling the fashion of lost Alderaan. Breha is scowling at Gavyn.

“My uncle’s wife’s co-pilot said that! Don't look at me like that!”

“It’s not true,” Finn says quickly before Gavyn and Breha could start to throw rocks at each other with the Force or with their little hands. “Both are ice planets in the Unknown Regions, that’s true, but Starkiller was a different planet. I know because I worked there for many years. It was blown up at the beginning of the war. But Ilum is still there. I went there a few months ago with some of the older apprentices and they all found their kyber crystals.”

“That’s true!” Bicon chimes in cheerfully, his lips smeared with jam. “My big brother already has his lightsaber! It’s green like the great Master Rey’s was!”

The children get an almost worshipful look in their eyes at the mere mention of Rey. Finn’s heart hurts but he’s so proud of her, too. The great Master Rey! Even if she really is dead, she will never be forgotten: she will be an inspiration for all the young Jedi to come.

“Master Finn, is it true that you loved her?”

Finn startles, feels warm and cold at the same time.

“Yes,” Finn sighs, looking away from the children, glancing up at the sky. At this time of the day it’s bright blue with no clouds, like the sky above Jakku, the sky that Rey used to look up at with longing and curiosity once upon a time, back when she was still alive. “I love her.”

* * *

That night, she dreams that Rey is still alive, and they are together. The school has two Jedi Masters, not just one. In the dream, Zola asks them to duel. Finn watches with joy as the two bright green blades of Rey’s saberstaff come alive as the kids gasp in delight and awe. When his golden blade touches her green one both plasma blades shiver and hum happily at finding each other again. The duel is just playing, of course, there’s no intention to hurt the other, but the kids are absolutely delighted, cheering and whooping as they watch the two Jedi heroes pretend to fight each other.

Then the dream shifts. Alis, Bicon and Breha make flower crowns with Rey’s help, and then they give one of them to Finn, the other to Rey.

“Now you are king and queen!” Breha declares imperiously, grinning at them.

“Of what?” Rey laughs. Her brown eyes twinkle with joy as she adjusts the flower crown on her head.

“Of the Force!” Alis says, making a playful and clumsy curtsy.

“You don’t have to do that!” Finn shakes his head. “You are all princes and princesses too!”

The children look at each other with delight, and Rey looks at Finn, and she’s there, alive and shining with joy and married to Finn, sitting in the grass in the sunshine, pink and yellow flowers in her hair.

It feels so real that for the first few moments after waking up Finn turns around in his bed, and expects Rey to be sleeping next to him, her messy hair resting on the pillow, her lovely mouth slightly open.

When he remembers that Rey is dead he cries so miserably for so long he’s late for breakfast.

* * *

Finn walks in the gardens while the children eat their lunch. It’s now the warmest season on the planet, though even in the coldest season there’s hardly ever any snow (Finn is glad: he doesn’t remember snow with much fondness). The air now is fragrant with the scent of a hundred different flowers. There are tiny flowers that shyly hide behind big blue-green leaves; beautiful flowers with huge orange and yellow petals that look like suns drawn by the children; flowers that in the daylight don’t look any special but shine in the darkness like nebulas in the eternal space.

Rey would have enjoyed this so much. She loved flowers. She would be so happy here.

Finn sits down onto a rough stone bench between two bushes heavy with flowers, their sweet fragrance filling his lungs as he takes a deep breath. If Rey was here, with him, sitting next to him, so close that he could feel the heat of her beloved body, he could inhale her scent too, mixing with the flowers. He would have an arm around her waist, and she would grin at him, and her eyes would be beautiful, and they would close as she would lean forward and kiss him, his forehead and his nose and his eyelids and his chin and then finally his lips, finding every part of his face with perfect accuracy even with her eyes closed.

He closes his eyes too, suddenly feeling sleepy. The warm air and the sweet flowers calm him a little, ease some of the stress and worry off his shoulders for the moment. 

He feels her presence before he sees or hears her. It feels like a new star born in the vast darkness of space, or like the first flower of a better season raising its head towards the sun while everything else is still buried under the snow.

She’s here.

The knowledge grabs Finn, takes his breath away and quickens his heartbeat. He thinks, at first, that he’s dreaming. Then he thinks he’s mistaken, that it’s someone else who feels very similar to Rey, but the idea is so ridiculous and offensive – as if he could ever mistake how Rey feels! – that he rejects it the moment it appears in his mind.

He opens his eyes, slow and careful, terrified that he won’t see her. But she’s there, a few steps from his bench, standing under a young tree with dark grey bark.

Rey’s here. She came back to him.

Or at least – her ghost did.

Surrounded by that blueish shimmering light and somewhat transparent, Finn understands quickly that it’s not truly Rey, not in flesh and blood, but it’s still her. Her presence feels exactly like it did when she was alive, warm and breathing in Finn’s arms. Her body is not here now, but her soul – her essence – whatever it is called, it’s here.

Her darling face and her hair with the three adorable buns look the same. She’s wearing her Jedi robes.

She crosses the distance between them as Finn still feels too shocked to move, elation and hope fighting against his wary disbelief while Rey stops in front of him.

“It’s really me,” Rey tells him. Finn stares at her, unable to do anything else. “I’m here, Finn. I know I’m dead, but don’t be afraid of me. I came back only because I love you so much, and I wanted to see you again.”

She starts crying tearlessly, her lips squeezed together as she struggles to stay quiet. She looks a little embarrassed and angry at herself. Finn can’t catch her exact thoughts at the moment but he can sense that Rey is thinking something about how this isn’t how she wanted to greet Finn. That she didn’t plan to fall apart so soon after finally seeing him again.

“Don’t cry,” Finn whispers even as he feels tears well up in his own eyes. He swipes his thumbs over his cheeks under his eyes to catch his tears but there’s so much that most drops escape and continue their way down, either caught on his shaking lips or reaching his trembling chin before finally falling down. “I’m so glad you’re here. Oh, Rey, love.”

“I missed you so much,” Rey sobs. Her face is blurry behind Finn’s veil of tears but it’s still so pretty, the prettiest face he has ever seen, even with the blue taint around it. “So much.” 

* * *

His cheeks are still tear-stained when the children find them. They all stop and stare as they notice Rey – the children are all very strong in the Force, which is what is needed to see Force ghosts according to the old writings. At first they don’t recognize Rey, but then Breha points her little fingers at Rey’s head and exclaims. “Her hair! It’s Master Rey!”

“But she’s dead!” Gavyn argues.

“It’s her! She looks just like in the holopics!” Breha says, looking at Gavyn with a scowl.

“Maybe it’s her Force ghost!” Alis whispers to Zola, loud enough that they can all hear her.

“Force ghosts are blue!” Zola tells her. “She’s blue as well!”

“It’s really me,” Rey says quickly. “My ghost. Yes. Hello, everyone. Nice to meet you.” Finn can feel how overwhelmed and uncertain she is, but she doesn’t seem to want to flee, so he doesn’t say anything as the children start talking at the same time, their excitement and wonder making the words clumsily tangle together. Not even Finn can understand any of it. Still, Rey smiles at them, and her arm twitches as if she wants to reach out to put a tentative hand onto Gavyn’s brown curls before she quickly changes her mind.

“Do you want to see the spinebarrels?” Alis asks, not giving Rey time to answer before she tries to take her hand to start pulling her, as she likes doing with the other children and sometimes, when she’s very excited, even with Finn. But her little hand can’t meet Rey’s hand, which no longer belongs to the physical world. Still, this doesn’t deter her and she gestures instead for them to follow her. They stop at the small green flowers flourishing in the rich black soil.

“Oh!” Rey gasps. “Well!” She says, rendered speechless. She looks at Finn with a smile, just as brilliant as it was when she was alive.

“I remembered your story about the flowers you found on Jakku, watering them even when you had so little, and how happy they made you, seeing that they could survive even under that harsh sun in that empty soil. So after the war was over I asked for a few seeds and planted them here. So now they bloom year after year, and every year there seems to be more than the previous year. The kids help,” Finn adds, beaming down at them. They all beam back at him proudly. “Though I have to warn them not to give the flowers too much water. They’re from the desert, after all, even if they seem happier here.”

* * *

The sky is black outside the window, only a few stars twinkling above them. The kids are asleep, and Finn is so exhausted too, yet Rey’s presence, even if only as a Force ghost, fills him with a sweet and sharp alertness he hasn’t felt in years. He doesn’t think he could go to sleep right now even if someone ordered him with a blaster pressed to his forehead.

“How long since I…?” Rey starts, standing somewhat awkwardly behind him as Finn washes his face. When he looks into the mirror above the sink, he can’t see her.

“Five years. What… what happened?”

“I was lost,” Rey begins. She wraps her arms around her spirit body unhappily. Finn’s heart breaks as he realizes that he can’t take her into his own arms to comfort her. “After I died, there was this place… a place of both horror and incredible beauty. It was the purest manifestation of the Force.  I was alone. There was nothing there but the Force, but it surrounded me. I became a part of it, yet I did not lose my memories of my life. But I did lose all sense of time. It did not feel like five years. And then I… somehow… I came back. Because I remembered you, and the love I felt for you, and I wanted to see you, and make sure you’re okay. So I’m here now.”

They will read more about Force ghosts, will look through every old record of the Jedi, even the Sith if they must, to learn all there is possible to know about what Rey is now, Finn decides as he puts the towel back onto the rack after wiping his face thoroughly. Oh, how nice it would be if there were two towels on that rack!

“I should have been there! I should have saved you! We survived Starkiller because we were together, protecting each other! I shouldn’t have let you go alone!” Finn shouts bitterly. If he had any more tears left to cry today, they would be sliding down his cheeks now.

“No!” Rey’s bluish face looks absolutely horrified as she stares at Finn. Her arm moves again to try to grab Finn before she realizes there’s no point. “No, you would have died as well! Snoke’s planet fell apart right after he died. We would not have had the time to reach the shuttle and leave. And you were needed to fight the battles against the First Order. No one else could understand their military strategy as much as you. No one else would have been able to destroy their flagship. And you’re needed now to teach the kids. I could see how they love you.”

“You could have helped as well! You should have! That’s what we promised each other!” Finn knows he’s being unfair now, that Rey didn’t want to die, but it’s so hard to stay calm. He’s so angry about it, about how much better it all could have been with Rey next to him. “We told each other that after the war is over we would get married, and teach the new Jedi kids together, and have children of our own as well! I’m doing all I can, but it’s hard to rebuild the Jedi alone. Why did you have to die, Rey?”

“I didn’t want to die,” Rey whispers miserably. She sounds like she wants to burst into tears. “Of course I didn’t. That’s why it took me five years to come back, I think. Because it was hard to deal with my death – there was so much I had to look forward to, and it was all taken away from me. But please, Finn, I’m begging you, don’t think you’re to blame for my death. You couldn’t have saved me. You’re powerful, but not even you’re powerful enough to be able to stop a planet from destroying itself. We wouldn’t have survived it. It is better that only one of us is dead, instead of both of us. Now you have to focus on doing all you can to make sure these children are going to become the best Jedi the galaxy has ever seen.”

There are tears trembling in Finn’s eyes again. Looks like there are at least a few drops still left in him.

“How long are you going to stay?” Finn asks.

“I don’t know,” Rey shrugs, though Finn can feel her tension despite the nonchalant gesture.

“I think it would be nice if you could stay a bit.” Finn closes his eyes as a tear rolls down his cheek. “Of course only if being… in this spirit state isn’t hurting you. If you want to go to that other world, I won’t try to stop you, I promise. But as long as you want to stay here… I think it would be nice if we could talk sometimes, and if you could speak with the children, and if I could just look at you – you’re still very beautiful, even when you’re blue.” Rey laughs a little at that, and Finn smiles in joy at the sound even as more tears fall from his eyes.

They won’t be able to touch each other again. Not to kiss, or have sex, or hold each other after a nightmare. Not to brush each other’s hair, or steal a bit from the other’s food, or put a beautiful flower behind the other’s ear.

They won’t be able to get married, or have children.

Still, it would be so wonderful to wake up and see her blue figure sitting on the windowsill, and to be able to speak with her at the end of a long, exhausting day. To have her with him while teaching the children, give him advice when he isn’t sure how to deal with a student too volatile, standing too close to the shadows of the Dark Side, help him figure out how to pull them back towards the Light. To help him find the golden mean, to not be too lenient and allow any of the children to become the next Kylo Ren, yet also not be too cruel and strict, to not give these kids a childhood similar to his own in the First Order.

“I’ll be with you as long as I can,” Rey promises. She reaches out and brushes the back of her hand against his own. He can’t feel the solid, living warmth of her skin, but there’s still some kind of sensation as they touch, he realizes with a hopeful gasp. Finn feels her with the Force, some part of her… soul, perhaps, sort of brushing against his own, seeking him out even after her death, not wanting to let him go. Though their bodies are not touching, he can still sense her presence as surely as if she had all four limbs wrapped around him.


End file.
